Getting a Divorce

Five Things Learned From A Decade In The Divorce-Sphere

I’ll start this article with a statement no-one can disagree with: divorce, irrespective of what may have caused it, is  difficult. Marriage, after all, is an institution founded on hope; on the belief that whilst there may be difficult times ahead, both spouses are better together than they are alone. Accepting that this is no longer the case is tough – but it can be made easier!

For the past ten years, I’ve worked with people who have been going through divorce. During this time, I’ve learnt that by approaching your divorce in the right way, you can make it significantly less painful and harmful, for both yourself and anyone else who may be involved.

Here are the five most important things I’ve learned about divorce and why they’ll help you and others through the process:

Be kind to yourself

We all tend to be analytical when things go wrong. This isn’t necessarily harmful, unless you start being hard on yourself. Instead, be kind to yourself by reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that you’re going to learn from them.

By treating yourself well, you’ll naturally be more empathetic meaning that you’ll be kinder to not just yourself but your soon-to-be former spouse, children and anyone else, too.

Dispel your expectations

One of the main reasons divorce is difficult is that, once we’ve decided our marriage needs to end, we also know that much of what we had envisaged for the future is now no longer possible or has fundamentally changed. By letting go of your expectation and going with the flow, you’ll be better prepared for the emotional twists and turns that lie ahead.

Let others do for you

During testing times, there’ll be moments when staying strong just isn’t an option. Try to ‘power-through’ every difficult moment during a divorce and you’ll find yourself feeling overwhelmed. That’s why it’s absolutely vital that you establish a support network of empathetic, caring and approachable friends and family.

Don’t forget that it’s equally important that you ask for help when you need it, though. You’d be amazed how many people tell those closest to them about the fact that they’re getting a divorce only to then feel too embarrassed or even ashamed to call or visit them when they’re finding things difficult.

Everyone needs help from time to time and there’s no shame in that! Divorce is tough, so it’s only natural to reach out for that little bit of help every now and then.

Find the positives

We know that ending a marriage has negative consequences. You’re not going to be able to split your household bills anymore; you’ll be solely responsible for the children most of the time or won’t see them as often; there’ll be more evenings without adult company. Yes, there are drawbacks, but remember that you’re getting divorced for a reason, so try and find the positives.

Whether it’s using the weekends when the children are away for some ‘me time’, being able to decorate your home the way you always wanted to or anything else, there are always positives provided you’re willing to look for them.

Don’t fight your thoughts

Considering that this article has previously advised readers to refrain from beating themselves up, to avoid expectations and promote positive thoughts over negative ones, this advice may seem contradictory, but there’s a big difference between having negative thoughts and indulging them.

Sadly, we will always have negative thoughts – we’re hardwired to and stress only exacerbates this. Whilst they’re inevitable, though, this is largely automated and, by simply letting them be, we’ll be less likely to look for solutions. This, in turn, prevents us from ruminating – which is actually what makes negative thoughts a cause of genuine worry and discomfort.

Conclusion:

There can be little doubt that ending a marriage is a process that is more than capable of having significant and adverse effect on all involved but, by adhering to the advice given above whenever possible, this can be largely negated.   

Jay Williams, author of this article,  works for Quickie Divorce, an online provider of divorce solutions. He lives in Cardiff, Wales with his wife and two-year-old daughter, Eirys.

 

 

 

 

Can Divorce Be Contagious?

Experts suggest that a Friend’s Divorce may encourage you to seek one too

Although a marriage is typically private and not influenced by anything outside of the close circle, it is now thought that a divorce between your friends or somebody else close to you may well have an influence upon you and your own relationship. With this in mind, we look at whether or not a divorce really can be considered as contagious.

Why are Divorces being considered as Contagious?

Expert researchers are finding that the concept of a divorce can make its way through friends, family and even work colleagues, should one couple within those groups start their own divorce process. In fact, those around somebody looking to obtain a divorce may be 75% more likely to get their own divorce. It is thought that the ending of relationships within groups can spark something in other people’s minds, leading them to begin questioning their own relationship and what they want their own future to hold.

It is also said that the divorce often fights against the stigma surrounding breakups and how it may affect children, proving to people that it can be done in a way that doesn’t have too much of a negative impact. However, as many can imagine, these findings also suggest that knowing a number of different people that have previously gone through a divorce can actually be bad for a marriage, putting it at a greater risk of ending in divorce.

Realising the Action that your Marriage Requires

When family, friends or other people close to you get a divorce, you usually look at your own marriage and realise its current state. You may think that the couple getting a divorce were happy, and that it could mean that there are underlying issues in your own relationship, as there may well have been in theirs. This often installs a fight or flight response, encouraging you to realise how lucky you and your partner are, or encouraging you to realise that your own marriage holds some issues.

Once this has happened, you either realise that you can continue as you are and live your happily married life or that you need to make some changes. If you find that you need to make changes, having somebody close by that is going through a divorce can be very beneficial to you. With a helping hand from a friend, a blueprint to follow or even women being empowered, their divorce can help to guide you through your own.

Although ill-feelings will almost certainly have been there before somebody else’s divorce, the fact that they take the plunge and try to change their life often gives others the strength to take action too. Divorce is often a word that people are afraid of, but it can also be something that brings a breath of fresh air to life, and can lead to bigger and better things.

Kerry Smith is the Head of Family Law at K J Smith Solicitors, specialist family law solicitors that deal with a wide range of issues, including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships, and prenuptial agreements. Kerry has over 15 years experience in family law and is recommended by the Legal 500 guide to law firms in the UK.

How To Prevent Fear From Holding You Back

Fear of the unknown can hold one back during and post-divorce. It can keep a person stuck and prevent movement. An individual may feel that they are in the freeze part of the flight or fight response to a perceived danger (the divorce drama). Not taking action can seem like the safer bet, when someone feels paralyzed with uncertainty. This indecisiveness can come back to haunt you later, as it did a few people who were not happy about how assets had been split. If feeling clueless and overwhelmed, consider having your attorney or paralegal clarify the information being given. Asking for specific options or advice is helpful.

Fear creates a stress response which releases a cascade of hormones, such as cortisol. The University of Minnesota found that fear “impacts thinking and decision making in negative ways.” It leads to “impulsive reactions” instead of taking a better course of action. One reacts in a rash manner instead of having clear thinking, which is needed to get through divorce proceedings. Reducing stress is way to get out of the panic mode. Do what works for you – mediation, prayer, retreats, exercise, being in nature and so forth.

Fear can keep an individual rooted in one spot – not comfortable taking a step in any direction. This happened to me during divorce. Rather than making a mistake, I decided to take no action about the marital home and just stay there. It was the easy way out. Luckily, I got out of the fear mode, found a small house and then applied at a few companies for a mortgage. It was work moving, but worth it.

There are other causes besides fear which can cause people to feel stuck. It can be challenging to step out of one’s comfort zone, such as deciding whether or not to take a different career path post-divorce. One may feel it is easier to stay in an unfulfilling job, than to pursue various possibilities. Divorce can bring a new opportunity to start over. I got a job as a school nurse after my divorce which became stressful when too much work was crammed in to only a day or so. I stayed out of fear that I would not find other part-time work with some flexibility. After talking over my job situation with a Life Coach, I realized my folly and resigned. Being in a stressful situation, as in divorce, makes it harder to calmly go over options. Get help. More and more middle-aged adults are seeking the guidance from a Career Coach. Others get vocational testing or training at a community college to open the door to other career directions.

Are you stuck, unable to move on because you have too many commitments which includes helping others? We can be afraid to tell people or organizations “no” or worry about being judged if we do.   Please read more   http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/fear-and-divorce