DIVORCE

Why Mindfulness Helps In Divorce And Other Stressful Events

Mindfulness is, to put it simply, the practice of focusing your attention on the here and the now; of training yourself to exert a greater degree of control over your thoughts in order to stop them from veering into unpleasant territory. Before I tried mindfulness, I believed that the physical sensations I associated with anxiety were caused by my thoughts. Instead, the physical sensations we associate with anxiety are a survival mechanism which served our ancestors well but, with the world posing much less of a physical threat than it did in their day, it’s become significantly less helpful.

For 27 years, I suffered from debilitating anxiety. This, I believe, provided me with experience that I was able to utilise when providing clients caught in the midst of a divorce with tangible advice. It made me more empathetic, more understanding of their situation and more motivated to help them. When the prospect of having to give a speech on my wedding day brought about worry so severe that I had no option but to seek help, I discovered something that would help not only me, but hundreds of my clients, too.

What this means is that, when you feel anxious, it’s little more than a random biological occurrence; a release of chemicals designed to make you more aware of the world around you and more prepared to deal with physical threats. Often, the experience is brief and simply passes away. During times of stress, however, this physical sensation causes us to analyse our current situation and find a reason to be worried. This results in a cyclical process that feeds our anxieties leaving us feeling stresses, exhausted and irritable – particularly whilst we’re in the midst of a highly stressful even such as a divorce.

Why mindfulness helps

Whilst it might appear as though the practice of mindfulness is one that is exclusively centred on controlling our thoughts, this is only half of the story. We are, for example, not always aware of what we’re thinking and are not always capable of choosing to think of something else as a result. Instead, mindfulness is centred on choosing to change our thoughts when we are indeed aware of them. Equally important, though, is that it teaches us to be accepting of the fact that we will not always be in control of our thoughts and that this is ok. Our minds have a tendency to wander so it’s vital that we accept that we’ll have negative thoughts and that, rather than aggressively trying to exert control over them, we should be kind to ourselves and gently try to think of something else.

Mindfulness – by improving understanding of anxiety and it’s causes, coupled with its non-aggressive means of exerting greater control over our thoughts – is proven to significantly increase people’s confidence in their ability to cope with change whilst reducing stress. I can attest to this personally; as can many of the clients I’ve helped over the past few years.

With time, mindfulness helps people to live in the moment. As a result, it is not only extremely beneficial when it comes to helping people through their divorces but, as it often also brings a new-found appreciation for the world around us, is fantastic preparation for the new life that awaits them post-divorce, too.

Author Bio:

Jay Williams works for Quickie Divorce, one of the UK’s leading providers of fast, affordable online divorce solutions.

 

7 Things Single Parents Must Do to Keep Their Sanity with Teenagers

7 Things Single Parents Must Do to Keep Their Sanity with TeenagersBeing a single parent to little kids ain’t easy. Being one to teenagers? Even harder. For most parents this is uncharted territory that comes with a whole new style of stress that is so different from how parenting was before the dreaded thirteen benchmark was breached. It doesn’t help that we so often try to compensate as single parents by trying to be Super Mom or Super Dad and do it all.

You have a lot on your plate, but it is crucial that you still take some time for yourself. Otherwise you can be sure of burnout nipping at your heels. This will make you a less effective parent and a more stressed person, in general.

Here are seven things you can do to keep your sanity through the teen years, by making some adjustments to your priorities.

Find The Humor In It – Next time you are getting ready to confront the kids, save your breath. Try and laugh it off and let it go. It saves you time and stress.

Don’t Panic – Tempted to fly off the handle and begin panic-fixing all the issues your teen just brought you? Go for a walk. Cool off. You will probably find a better solution that won’t take so much effort.

Let Them Fail – It is ten at night and your teen just told you they had a science project due. Don’t come to the rescue, sacrificing your sleep to get them out of the bind. Let them fail…it is a good life lesson.

Start Giving More Responsibility – Don’t have any time to take for yourself? Start handing more responsibility to your teen. Not only does this free up your schedule, but it begins to prepare them for the adult world they are rapidly approaching.

Balance Parenting With Friendship – You are their parent, not their friend. Right? Well, you can actually be both. By looking at the time you spend with your teens as also being pleasant time with friends, you may find yourself relaxing more in their presence.

Have “Office Hours” – Obviously, important matters have to be addressed right away. But short of that, set times when you are “in the office” and times when you are “out of the office”. When you’re out, they fend for themselves.

Get Active and Stay Active – Yoga, running, swimming, hiking, sports, weight lifting…whatever if it you enjoy that keeps you active, get out there and do it. Not only is this great “me” time, but it is a way to stay healthy, relieve stress and improve things like sleep and energy levels.

Having teenagers is stressful, but it is also an opportunity to begin taking better care of your own needs. By taking some time for yourself you will be a more effective parent and happier, healthier and ready for anything thrown your way.

Author of this article, Tyler Jacobson, enjoys going to the mountains near his home in Draper, Utah to connect with his wife and children through camping, hiking, and quality time together. When he isn’t rebooting in the outdoors, he shares his fatherly experiences with the world through writing and creative work. Tyler shares the ups and downs of family life and the solutions he’s found through lengthy research and involvement in the industry and his own experiences to help parents everywhere. Follow Tyler on: Twitter | LinkedIn

 

What Makes A Couple A Good Candidate For Divorce Mediation?

Marriages can end for a variety of reasons but knowing what those reasons are can be important for the divorce process. Divorce mediation is best for couples separating on amicable terms, or who can at least speak with each other reasonably. Couples with children, aiming to have a cooperative relationship despite the divorce, also benefit more often from mediation. Divorce mediation focuses on the cost of the divorce, in both money and effort, first and foremost.

It Benefits Those Who Part Amicably

Any good divorce mediator will tell you that a couple with children benefit from divorce mediation. One study showed roughly 79% of couples with children who received mediation fought less in the period after their mediation was completed. The children were also asked whether the former couple could cooperate better, or displayed intense arguing before their children, and the study suggested those who sought mediation were more likely to act civil in the child’s eyes.

Divorce mediation also tends to be more forgiving for parents or spouses after the settlement is reached. Arbitration and litigation can set strict guidelines for both sides to achieve, such as child support payment or reparations. These can be harsh or imbalanced for those whose jobs or living situations will be in flux shortly after the divorce, even if the party intending to receive these payments would prefer to show leniency to the other party in the divorce while they recover.

Couples Who Already Know What They Want

Divorce mediation works on the premise that both sides are seeking to reach an agreement. The divorce mediator speaks their mind and helps to outline who is responsible for what costs, and what settlements both parties might receive, but all decisions are reached by the divorcing couple. So, if a couple is unsure of their assets, or simply need a disagreement settled, mediation can help. But when both parties are seeking reparations, arbitration is the better option.

The costs of mediation are lower than the costs of arbitration or civil court. So if both spouses have an idea about what they should receive, and the two beliefs have a large degree of overlap, this can be a sign to use divorce mediation. Divorce mediation is arguably the most cost-efficient manner of settling disagreements caused by the divorce process, and either party can cancel the mediation at any time if they feel that mediation simply wasn’t the right option.

It’s Best for Equals Seeking Privacy

Divorce mediation is best for spouses who treat each other as relative equals during the divorce. Couples divorcing due to domestic abuse or power balances in the relationship should not seek mediation. Most mediators don’t know these circumstances before the meeting, and the domineering spouse can quickly swing the negotiations in their favour. Likewise, victims of abuse often feel validated by speaking to a mediator and become emboldened during the dividing process.

Divorce mediation is also a good choice for spouses who seek an interpersonal discussion with minimal interference. Because mediation focuses on having the two spouses reach an agreement, the meetings are usually restricted to only the two spouses and the mediator themselves. Relatives or friends can be disbarred from the mediation to avoid third-party interests that might muddy the discussion and lead to a more tense, divisive negotiations.

Conclusion

Divorce mediation isn’t a process that is right for every couple. Those who argue about the fundamental elements of the divorce, or whose marriage was short and had few entanglements may wish to skip it. Divorce mediation is also a poor choice for those seeking validation or to prove who’s “right” and “wrong”. But good candidates for mediation include those with children, those who seek a working relationship afterwards, or those who want to keep divorce costs low.

Author of this article is Judith Goldberg   https://judithgoldberg.com/