Divorcing a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder

Mediation and collaborative divorces have been referred to as “more friendly” with a goal to keep the door open to having a relationship post-divorce. Some people who divorced individuals with personality disorders, felt safer in the court room with a judge presiding. This is particularly true with spouses who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder

People with BPD have a fear of abandonment which can become worse with divorce. They have poor and unstable interpersonal relationships. They tend to put someone up on a pedestal and revere them. When that person does something not liked, they become bitterly despised. People are categorized as being wonderful or not worthy of their adoration. Folks with BPD have overly intense emotions which fluctuate vastly. They are controlling and this includes controlling communication between people they know. BPD people are threatened by a partner’s success so criticize in order to tear them down in the belief it will keep them dependent and prevent abandonment (divorce).

Their impulsive behaviour – affairs, drug use, and alcoholism may be a factor in their partner wanting out of the relationship. People with BPD have a sense of emptiness with a distorted self-image. When married, one may have tip-toed around them to avoid activating the BPD spouse’s intense anger. The departing spouse’s self-esteem may be low after spending time with this judgemental person.

Setting Boundaries

Ways to get through divorce from a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder include having clear boundaries. You can send a strong message that all communication goes to your solicitor and not to you. Have consequences if boundaries are violated. Follow through with consequences, such as blocking their calls and e-mails or changing your phone number. Instruct staff at work not to put those calls through to you or get a restraining order.

Divorce Proceedings

One has to get grounded when starting divorce. Get calm in order to stay focused, as the spouse with BPD will attempt to raise your anxiety. Do not rise to the bait or react to their ploys. Let your barrister or solicitor be the filter that keeps manipulation away from you and deals with it impassively. They get in power struggles even over little issues, so do not get in a battle. Several men I interviewed advised others to let the spouse with BPD feel that they are winning, by giving up more personal property and instead concentrate on the big ticket items. Turn over meticulous documents on finances, particularly showing what you owned before marriage, to keep emotion out of the dealings.  Please read more   https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/borderline-personality-disorder/

Dealing with Empty Nest as a Single Parent

It may be that you and your spouse waited until the last child was out of the house before filing for divorce. Or it could be that you both drifted so far apart that Empty Nest was the catalyst for going your separate ways. In my case, it was a few years post-divorce when I had to face being by myself. My married friends have their spouses for company and go dining out or make impromptu trips to the cinema. When alone in a quiet house without another adult companion, time may seem to stand still between their visits home.

How to Get Through Empty Nest

Part of getting through Empty Nest is reframing negative thoughts and looking for what is positive. I do not have a surly teen at home, but have a cuddly feline fellow in a tuxedo who enjoys hanging out together. I have more me time to read mysteries while munching on chocolate, instead of being a chauffeur. Make sure to nurture yourself when feeling morose. One dad said what got him through the early stages of Empty Nest was knowing his son was ecstatically happy at his university. He has many friends, activities, clubs, and is engaged in his courses. Some people stay in touch daily with their kids, by a short text and catch up with a call on the weekend. They feel connected to them and still part of their lives.

Distraction helps ward off the Empty Nest Blues. Do something that you have enjoyed in the past, but maybe did not have the time to continue when raising youngsters. Some folks got back in to a sport and joined an amateur city league. I started Zumba classes the week my youngest left home. Every year, I plan get-togethers with pals for the first few days after my son goes back to college. I saved a landscaping project for immediately after his departure so I could stay busy. Please read more….http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/empty-nest-after-divorce-dealing-with-transition


Where to get Help When Facing Divorce

I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to prepare for divorce and keep it peaceful. Here are my best tips:

There are ways to prepare for a divorce when it is only a matter of when. See what resources are available where you live by calling your local United Way. When my divorce started, I felt like I was wandering around in a fog. United Way told me about a course that was given by our community college (also nationally) called “Women in Transition,” which helped tremendously.

MeetUp.com is world-wide and has various groups, including divorce-focused ones in some locales. There are divorce magazines online which are packed with articles on preparing for and getting through divorce. Some churches have divorce workshops.

If in a rocky marriage heading towards divorce, think about what personal property (yours alone) that you could sell for immediate cash. Consider opening a bank account in your name only in order to have access to funds in case community ones are frozen. Some people buy gift cards or request them as presents when their spouses seemed ready to depart.

Gather your support system around you when preparing for divorce. They can help with practical tasks, such as babysitting or listening when you need to vent.

You are not alone and people can help you every step of the way.

You can read the full article here:   How to Prepare for Divorce

You can find more useful tips on how to prepare for divorce in this post we contributed to on Equitable Mediation’s website.