Having a More Positive Attitude in Divorce

During and after divorce it is easy to slip into negativity. Lives are changing with a dip in finances and time spent with the children. Dwelling in what is not working out can blind you to what is going right in your life. People that do not move on after divorce, can build a wall around themselves which keeps others away.

How a Positive Attitude in Divorce is Beneficial

Various studies have indicated that people who were more positive about what lies ahead were less likely to have ailments. Web MD found that “People who have a positive attitude during stressful events are 22% less likely to have a fatal or non-fatal heart attack than those who hold negative attitudes.” The Mayo Clinic discussed the health benefits of optimism – seeing some positives including in stress-full situations. Some of these are “greater resistance to the common cold”, less cardiovascular issues and decreased risk of depression. The Dalia Lama states “Unhealthy attitudes disturb the body. The body/mind relationship affords ample proof that human health depends on positive feelings.”

Surround  Yourself with Positive People

Choose to be surrounded by positive people. One attracts friends who are like them. Being negative is like a magnet which draws others with negative attitudes to you. These pessimists may forecast gloomy outcomes for your divorce or hold you back by focusing on obstacles to success. I had a divorced friend who was concentrating on what was not working out in my divorce. I would change the subject and she did not get the hint. My son finally told her bluntly to stop talking about divorce. She eventually drifted away when I refused to discuss the negatives. I surrounded myself with upbeat people who are still my cheerleaders today. One’s outlook is how they see the world -as a scary, dark place, or where many good things happen. One projects their positive or negative outlook onto others, as if they were a screen.

People sometimes seek out the negatives as a way to validate their political, career or other life choices. I heard a speech recently whose message was since her candidate did not win the election, that the apocalypse is coming. She refuses to try and see anything positive and attempts to dissuade others from doing so. When I was in London during the Brexit voting, it was a similar situation. The other side was totally wrong for many people.   In divorce, this type of attitude hinders negotiation and being flexible in working out custody arrangements.

Live in the Present, Not in the Past

A way to be more positive is by not living in the past. Put energy into focusing on the present and near future. You cannot change the past, but can learn from it. Be in the moment as in mindfulness. Tend to what is needing your immediate attention: splitting assets, dividing personal property or just taking the dog for a walk. Distraction helps to gets one’s mind off the negativity of the divorce situation and on to something fun.  Please read more   http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/looking-for-positives-tips-for-avoiding-negativity-throughout-divorce

Is Brexit Causing Couples to Get Divorced?

The decision to leave the EU seems a lifetime ago but there is still a lot of uncertainty surrounding what will actually happen when we do eventually leave the EU. There are concerns over specific laws, taxes, travel and our power as a nation but has anyone stopped to consider the fact that it can actually cause relationship problems? Well in fact, it is already.

Despite politics being a high priority for many, it can often run much deeper than that. Your political beliefs are your own and should remain that way but many couples are allowing their differences to come between them and this is where the Brexit decision has cause problems.

More and more Brits can now relate to the fact that political beliefs are driving a wedge between them and their partners. A new survey from the relationship charity Relate has found that 20% of relationship support counsellors have dealt with clients who have argued over Brexit.

However, this is not the first time that Brexit has cause problems for couples because even before the decision was made to leave the EU, the stress of the Brexit was weighing heavy on the shoulders of couples, leaving many close to divorce. In some cases, it has gone beyond coming close because many couples are splitting up simply up simply because one voted differently to the other. Essentially, one voted to remain and the other voted to leave and that is where the problem lies.

There is also a level of uncertainty because many Europeans who are living in Britain are unsure about whether they will still be allowed to live here once the wheels begin turning and Britain move away from the EU. What’s more is that they may not even want to remain here and that in itself is another problem.

This is a problem that many people did not envisage, particularly as the main focus of the vote and the decision was surrounding the politics of it all and the impact.

When couples begin to argue over Brexit and who they should and shouldn’t vote for along with topical debates, it can drag up underlying problems that may have been eating away at couples. This highlights the fact that they do not share the same values. Values are extremely important to us as individuals and when partners disagree with them, it can feel like a form of betrayal and can then become a concern.

The decision to leave EU is causing high levels of anxiety when it comes to what the future may hold. The decision has only added to a fire that may have been burning for some time and this only exacerbates any problems that couples are already facing.

For many, it feels like their partner does not listen to them or simply does not value their opinion and that is why Brexit has had a bigger and more wider impact than many people realised.

Author Bio K J Smith Solicitors are specialists in family law, with an expert team of family law professionals who are experienced in all aspects of family and divorce law.


Tips on How to Avoid Sabotaging Your Divorce

Your behaviour in divorce has an impact on its outcome. Attempting to score points with verbal sparring against your opponent (spouse) may temporarily feel like a victory. In reality, it raises legal fees and prolongs proceedings. Trading insults with each other distracts one from staying on task. Blow off negativity to friends before walking into a divorce session.

  1. Do not sabotage your divorce by confiding its details to people who may not honour your confidentiality. Your divorce can become the subject of juicy gossip. Instead, talk about your feelings or changes in your life, such as moving to a new place. I messed up on this one. A few things I said during my divorce got back to my husband, who brought it up at a collaborative meeting. My solicitor told me to zip up my mouth. If you are friendly with your spouse’s co-workers or friends – divorce is not the time to divulge deep secrets. Be discreet, so you do not learn this the hard way, as I did. Keeping quiet is especially critical if you both are in the same field. Disparaging remarks about your soon-to-be-ex, can damage their reputation or make encounters at professional events awkward. The last thing you need during divorce is to be sued for slander.
  2. Another problem area is revealing too much on social media. This has been the cause for divorce when an unsuspecting spouse discovers the existence of a lover. Solicitors have used what someone has posted on social media during proceedings. This is particularly important when the amount of shared care is being determined. Photos of a parent cavorting around at parties looking drunk, can make them appear a bit unstable. This can hurt one when applying for jobs, as potential employers check Facebook and other sites. One may have strict privacy settings, however their friends may not. People can post pictures without your consent, so talk to friends about this issue.
  3. Not being truthful on Form E with your financial disclosure can come back to haunt you. Hidden assets can be discovered by a forensic accountant which then has serious repercussions. There have been big cases in the news recently where one other spouse successfully sued for more assets when the other one lied about their wealth. A monetary penalty can be given or a much bigger share of the hidden fund awarded to the spouse who sued for it. Being honest in the first place can avoid these legal entanglements during proceedings or months later when the financial discrepancy comes to light.
  4. False allegations about the other party can backfire. If abuse is even insinuated, it will be checked out. If one has lied, that may affect the financial outcome or shared time with kids. Being perceived as unbalanced will not help your case. Some parents practice parental alienation to get the children on their side and the other parent out of the picture. This puts kids in a loyalty bind. One father and his mother continually made nasty comments about the boys’ mum around them. He ended up with no overnights and more limited contact. Do not sabotage shared time with putdowns of the other parent, but rather say nothing at all.

It is to one’s advantage to get through divorce as quickly as possible in order to move on. Trying to drag it out so you can hang on to your spouse longer or punish them ends up hurting you. A new chapter is about to begin. Reframe your thoughts to accept opportunities coming your way rather than clinging to the past which can derail your divorce.   Originally printed in The Divorce Magazine   https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/sabotaging-your-divorce/      Their web site is https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/ and has many articles on divorce and moving on.